like father, like son....

I was reminded of a great parenting principal today, via my 10 year old son.

Noah and I were working on the yard today, before we started I had grabbed a new spool of line for the weedwacker.  When the weedwacker ran out of line I forgot where I'd put it.

As I checked my pockets and started to look around the yard, Noah calmly looked at me and said "Daddy, you put it right there", as he pointed to the spool.  "I always pay close attention to everything you do" he added.

Woah.

That's a big responsibility. I'm no where near perfect, yet I've got these kids who lookup to me and look to me for examples on life.

After a dozen years and 4 kids, I'm still learning how to be a better parent.  I'm going to screw it up along the way sometimes.
And apparently, the kids will be watching, closely.  My prayer is that through it all, they will see my love for them, their mom, God and others.

Jesus, I love you but I have a hard time trusting you.

I’m pretty sure it isn’t you.  It’s me.  No, really, you’re perfect.  Like Son of God perfection, lived a perfect life, gave everything and are the embodiment of Love kind of Perfect.  I’m not that all, not even close. So it’s all me me & it’s my issue, this is my mess.  Still. Since we aren’t breaking up or anything like that, I think it is something that I, or maybe even ‘we’ need to work on.  But this is still my issue. I think. 

I say we. 

I’m not sure which one I really mean sometimes.  I want to work on it on my own, like I think I’ve been trying to.  Maybe I should let you in on this but I think it is that whole trust issue again.

I know this is my issue.  But I’ve found that you’re so much better at this kind of stuff than I am. I can’t do it on my own, I need you.  Still, I have a hard time trusting you so that makes this whole thing complicated. 

I want to trust you.

Well, if you want me to be honest, I want to believe that I want to trust you.  Is that the same thing? No? 

Really?

Can I fake it?

Yes, fake it like I have been….Ahh, I get what you did there; apparently I “can” fake it. 

I guess what I meant was- would it be ok, or can we pretend we didn’t talk about this till some time later and I can (now that you pointed out that I’ve been faking it) go back to faking it?

But I’m asking you, you’re God, you know all, I don’t want it to be my choice.  Since I asked you first, can’t we do that thing where I don’t answer till you do?

So here is the deal.  I think I know a little why I don’t trust you..  What you call me to, the paths you take me down are not safe, they aren’t easy…I’m uncomfortable. You make me uncomfortable.  Not in a creepy way. More in one of those “you expect a whole lot from me, and I need about 3 weeks of coffee to make it through this morning” kind of uncomfortable with what you think I’m capable of ways. 

I’m not really sure what you were thinking, just being honest here with you Jesus, I don’t know what was on your mind when you called out to me: a fat, lazy, self-centered, self-serving, comfort seeking, lack of discipline, wretched pile of junk that, I’ve read, you call your own.  It confuses me.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it.  So very much! If you weren’t all knowing, I’d say you couldn’t have an idea how much I appreciate the love, the grace, the mercy. The whole package.

I don’t get it.

You Keep coming back, you keep calling me, keep leading me. 

My lack of trust isn’t that you’ve left me. Or that you’ll abandon me in a time of need, or that you’re inconsistent.  Those are the kinds of things I do. And you’re a lot better than me

I think it comes down to this. I think that I don’t trust that you will do what I want.

I have full and complete faith that you have a will, a plan, a mission beyond my own and that you’re going to do your best to make sure it is done. And you just might do it despite what I want or feel.  I’m scared that when I offer suggestions, that while you listen, you’re filtering them out as if you’re God and you know a lot more than I do.  Oh yeah you are.

I’m scared I’m going to have to surrender.  And that my agendas will crumble. That my prayers won’t get answered the way I want them to.

I guess I trust you, I trust that you have a plan…it is just that you’re not going to throw my personal priorities to the top of your list.

I don’t trust that you will always let me stay comfy, I’m scared that you might actually stretch me, or require sacrifice, or allow me to experience pain, loss.  I don’t trust that you’re going to always help me understand. I have a hard time trusting that keeping me safe, warm, dumb and happy aren’t part of your plan. 

It seemed to be working, at least for a while. At least I like to think that it did.

I guess it comes to this...Jesus I love you & I’m having a hard time trusting you but I’m hoping that despite me, you can help me out here. Beyond myself, and my limitations. Jesus be you and help me be less like me.