like father, like son....

I was reminded of a great parenting principal today, via my 10 year old son.

Noah and I were working on the yard today, before we started I had grabbed a new spool of line for the weedwacker.  When the weedwacker ran out of line I forgot where I'd put it.

As I checked my pockets and started to look around the yard, Noah calmly looked at me and said "Daddy, you put it right there", as he pointed to the spool.  "I always pay close attention to everything you do" he added.

Woah.

That's a big responsibility. I'm no where near perfect, yet I've got these kids who lookup to me and look to me for examples on life.

After a dozen years and 4 kids, I'm still learning how to be a better parent.  I'm going to screw it up along the way sometimes.
And apparently, the kids will be watching, closely.  My prayer is that through it all, they will see my love for them, their mom, God and others.

Jesus, I love you but I have a hard time trusting you.

I’m pretty sure it isn’t you.  It’s me.  No, really, you’re perfect.  Like Son of God perfection, lived a perfect life, gave everything and are the embodiment of Love kind of Perfect.  I’m not that all, not even close. So it’s all me me & it’s my issue, this is my mess.  Still. Since we aren’t breaking up or anything like that, I think it is something that I, or maybe even ‘we’ need to work on.  But this is still my issue. I think. 

I say we. 

I’m not sure which one I really mean sometimes.  I want to work on it on my own, like I think I’ve been trying to.  Maybe I should let you in on this but I think it is that whole trust issue again.

I know this is my issue.  But I’ve found that you’re so much better at this kind of stuff than I am. I can’t do it on my own, I need you.  Still, I have a hard time trusting you so that makes this whole thing complicated. 

I want to trust you.

Well, if you want me to be honest, I want to believe that I want to trust you.  Is that the same thing? No? 

Really?

Can I fake it?

Yes, fake it like I have been….Ahh, I get what you did there; apparently I “can” fake it. 

I guess what I meant was- would it be ok, or can we pretend we didn’t talk about this till some time later and I can (now that you pointed out that I’ve been faking it) go back to faking it?

But I’m asking you, you’re God, you know all, I don’t want it to be my choice.  Since I asked you first, can’t we do that thing where I don’t answer till you do?

So here is the deal.  I think I know a little why I don’t trust you..  What you call me to, the paths you take me down are not safe, they aren’t easy…I’m uncomfortable. You make me uncomfortable.  Not in a creepy way. More in one of those “you expect a whole lot from me, and I need about 3 weeks of coffee to make it through this morning” kind of uncomfortable with what you think I’m capable of ways. 

I’m not really sure what you were thinking, just being honest here with you Jesus, I don’t know what was on your mind when you called out to me: a fat, lazy, self-centered, self-serving, comfort seeking, lack of discipline, wretched pile of junk that, I’ve read, you call your own.  It confuses me.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it.  So very much! If you weren’t all knowing, I’d say you couldn’t have an idea how much I appreciate the love, the grace, the mercy. The whole package.

I don’t get it.

You Keep coming back, you keep calling me, keep leading me. 

My lack of trust isn’t that you’ve left me. Or that you’ll abandon me in a time of need, or that you’re inconsistent.  Those are the kinds of things I do. And you’re a lot better than me

I think it comes down to this. I think that I don’t trust that you will do what I want.

I have full and complete faith that you have a will, a plan, a mission beyond my own and that you’re going to do your best to make sure it is done. And you just might do it despite what I want or feel.  I’m scared that when I offer suggestions, that while you listen, you’re filtering them out as if you’re God and you know a lot more than I do.  Oh yeah you are.

I’m scared I’m going to have to surrender.  And that my agendas will crumble. That my prayers won’t get answered the way I want them to.

I guess I trust you, I trust that you have a plan…it is just that you’re not going to throw my personal priorities to the top of your list.

I don’t trust that you will always let me stay comfy, I’m scared that you might actually stretch me, or require sacrifice, or allow me to experience pain, loss.  I don’t trust that you’re going to always help me understand. I have a hard time trusting that keeping me safe, warm, dumb and happy aren’t part of your plan. 

It seemed to be working, at least for a while. At least I like to think that it did.

I guess it comes to this...Jesus I love you & I’m having a hard time trusting you but I’m hoping that despite me, you can help me out here. Beyond myself, and my limitations. Jesus be you and help me be less like me.

What's so good about Friday

I can't say this for too much longer but for most of my life I've been a non-believer in the Christian sense.  When I was 19 that all changed, but before then I had some really good developmental years to form some opinions and make some (hopefully mature) observations about the world around me.  One general observation I'd made by that point was that many Christian traditions & celebrations seemed odd and were on the list of reasons of why I'd never become a Christian.  On a more specific note, I never understood the Good Friday thing, and I may not fully understand it years later but here's a go on what I've come to think of it.

I recall a few months into my new found faith I had heard people calling the Friday prior to Easter "Good Friday" and for some reason they were really excited about this season and this Day.  I'd heard of Good Friday before but I didn't really associate it with Easter, or Jesus...prior to being a Christian I didn't really associate most things I saw in christianity with Jesus (that is a whole other post for another time).  Now that I had an encounter with Jesus, I was trying to make everything in my life about Jesus.  This 'Good' Friday was a day as Christians that we are to celebrate Jesus' torture and death!? really??? That perplexed me, I had been learning about how awesome this Jesus in the Bible was, how much He loved me (and everyone), how much I really loved Him and what He had done for me and everyone else; there I stood around a bunch of people who seemed excited that He got the shi...everything beat out of him and was hammered to the best torture/killing device the Romans could come up with (and they had put research into this) and was left to slowly suffocate to death.  "Is that really worth celebrating?" I remember thinking.

There are times, seasons in my life that I wish had turned out another way, that I'm not proud of or that it would be nice, maybe, if it could be written into my life’s story another way. Sometimes because of petty things- I didn't get what I wanted, someone at work wasn't happy with me or other childish, self-centered thinking were the cause of my feeling.  Other times, it was because of encountering those areas in life no one wants to come across, the tragedies that can break us all.  Over the years, a couple of times, I've felt like life beat the shit out of me.  For me the biggest has been the three times that my wife has fought cancer.  No one wants to hear the 'c' word, and when it is close and is someone you love deeply, the wound is that much more deep.

One of my favorite writers, C.S. Lewis, once wrote about hating cancer.  When I first read his words, I didn't understand how one could hate something so nebulous but now I can understand a little more where he is coming from.  Thankfully, today my wife is healthy and cancer free.  As much as we'd like to wipe those seasons of our life away however, they are still real.  While it isn't something that we talk about every day or to everyone all the time, it is part of our story.  In that, it is a part of the story of what God has done, and is doing in our lives. And, the story is good, even with all the mess, pain, doubt...the whole of it.

I recall hearing from a person once that they didn't necessarily dislike the stories that Christian's told of their lives/faith it was what they left out.  It was that they didn't tell the whole story, which in turn, was a lie and they didn't like the lie.  The christians they had encountered had left parts out, not because of discretion or that it wasn't pertinent to what was being shared but because those parts were the difficult, dark parts of the story that the person who had lived them decided they didn't want to include.  Nobody's story is perfect- including God's (read through the Bible, it has ton's of screw-ups) and that is why we have a Good Friday, and a Resurrection Sunday that follows.

I think it comes to this, on its own Good Friday is a very sad day; it is a dark day on the spot of humanity really.  When coupled with Easter however, and an understanding not only of the goodness of Jesus, but why He came and what His mission was Good Friday, as brutal as it was, is part of an overall story that is so much more.  And it is good. Some may say that because of how brutal Friday was, we should just skip over it, pretend it didn't happen, that we should just move on to Sunday and wear pastel colors and hunt for eggs.  I'm sure that some do that, and in doing so, they change the story of who Christ is, and what Easter is about.

After 18 years of being a Christian, I can answer the question I had on my first Good Friday as a believer- yes Good Friday is worthy of remembering and celebrating.  I know now it isn't celebrating defeat, torture or death.  I know that because God the Father raised Jesus from the Dead shortly after the first Good Friday and also like the story of my life, there are parts that are painful, brutal...just flat out crappy but they offer a contrast that illuminates that much more the greatness of who God is, and how much he really loves you and I.

Peace to you on this Good Friday,

Resolved: New Year's Resolutions are a waste of time

We're about halfway through January, which according to my calculations (which is me mostly making crap #'s up, adding them on a calculator and saying "yep I'm right") means a whole lot of people out there have broken many, most or all of their New Year's Resolutions.  My favorites are the ones who joined a gym, worked out 2 or 3 days and won't go back, some of them still paying a monthly due.  When you step back and think about it, it is really silly.  I'd even dare to call it stupid. Either way it is a complete waste of time.  

Back in High School I took debate class, in the class we often did daily resolutions. It was the focal point of the debate or talk.  Mrs. Khan would write, in BIG letters, on the chalk board "Resolved:" and would ask the class what the resolution of the day should be.  As the class went on and we were assigned topics the person or team that was on the affirmation side of the resolution had the privileged of writing on the board.  I still remember writing "Resolved: Why you shouldn't use steroids" and using the opening statement "If you want your balls to shrink, use steroids!".  Have I mentioned that I'm a misfit and I love exploring shock value?  

Over the years I've attempted, and failed most if not all of my, various New Year's Resolutions. Recently I even thought of making a resolution to writing and posting more on this Blog, however I know that it won't work so I'm not doing it.  Will I make more efforts to write, to post here?  Yes.  Will a resolution be the thing that helps me?  No, I know myself, my current commitments, cynicism and drive and honestly, while I'd like to write all day, I won't, at least not with what I have in my life today.  

In the past my resolutions have ranged from the normal stuff like lose weight, eat healthier, save the world, learn to juggle, wake up earlier, or be nicer to people...to more ambitious/strange resolutions that I'm not going to bore you the details of here.  Each time, I find that while I'm eager to get started on these new found pacts of imminent failure, I typically run out of gusto within a week or two.  Sometimes I'm able to hold onto something for a couple months but typically by the start of March I've forgotten that I even made a resolution and I'd be hard pressed to remember what is was for.

So why do so many people fail, why do I say that they are a waste of time?  That is a really good question! I'm so glad that someone smart like you is reading this.  I do know that for some people resolutions are great & they have experienced amazing life transformation as a result of a drunken (or more sober) resolution they made relative to New Year's Eve/Day.  Still, for the rest of us, or at least the people I come into contact with the most, resolutions don't work.  

I believe that the problem isn't that we fail in starting new stuff as much as it is that we fail in ending the things that need ending.

One of the great things about December 31st is that no matter how much you don't want it to, at midnight the day, month and year are over.  It is a great way to start over and really, no matter how much you want to try, you can't get back into December once it is January.  December ended and January started and that is it.  Too many times in areas outside our calendar the things that need to end don't. 

I know someone (several someones actually) who didn't end a relationship in their heart when the relationship ended and many years after the fact found themselves married to someone else, in what seemed to be a good relationship.  Later down their journey, too often in the story, the ex pops back up on the radar and these people I know found themselves in a world of confusion and pain.  Often they made poor decisions, carving out valleys of pain in many peoples hearts and too many times the people I know who didn't end the relationship in their heart when they should have years before were left standing alone once the dust had settled because they pursued ex lovers, forsaking their at that time current partners.  The end should really mean the end.  Driving past the dead end signs because you don't believe them will not keep you safe when the road ends. So too will relationships that should have ended but didn't don't have much hope in their future. 

When I first met my wife, I was dating someone else, my wife had a boyfriend too.  Our story is a whirlwind of a tale in which we went on our first date, not even acknowledging it was a date, less than a month before we were engaged.  It is a fun, crazy story we love telling and retelling over the years.  We were young, in love and in many ways stupid but we knew that we were the right ones for each other.  We also knew that we had baggage and that we had to make sure that we addressed it.  If we didn't, no matter how much we wanted the relationship to work, we would have been doomed.  We needed to make sure that our past relationships were ended.  Almost Seventeen years later, I can tell you had we not ended the things that needed ending properly, we wouldn't have the joy and security in our lives as we do today.  It isn't the only thing that has contributed to a good matrimony for us, but it was something that is part of the foundation.  

Typically when we need to end something, it is one of two basic reasons.  First the purpose or time of the thing has been completed, for example (and I'm over simplifying here) a company gets a contract to build a road, once they finish building the road, they don't need to continue to build the road. Another example is a college student doesn't need to stay in college once they've taken their course work, unless they are going on to advanced studies or they are wanting to do the whole 'lifetime student thing'...either way once the purpose of the 'thing' has come to completion, there is no longer any reason to continue to continue acting on, pursuing, partaking in or whatever else you would do with that 'thing'.  The other side to this, the more difficult and where I've encountered difficulty and seen others struggle as well is ending things because it is time, often before we would like them to end, often when it is out of our control and often when we really don't want it to end.  

Kelly, my wife, and I served as leaders for the college aged ministry at a church we were once at. We had hopes and dreams for the group. One day in our journey it became very clear that our dreams and visions weren't going to happen and that we had to step down, let go and move on. We had to end it.  We didn't want to end it but we knew we had to.  

It wasn't an easy decision, making the decision and executing on it caused pain for us and others.  We spent months talking with wise people we trust, praying, examining ourselves trying to figure out if there was another way, something other than ending our part with the ministry.  In the end there was only one option, it needed to end.  Does that mean that we had to end it badly, with a bunch of drama and venom?  No.  It simply meant that 'thing' in this case, our involvement and leadership related to that ministry and involvement in that faith community needed to end.  So we ended it.  There is a way to end things well and a way to end things very badly, in this case we were able to end well.  In a way that minimized pain, strife and bitterness.  I believe that had we continued to try to make it work rather than ending it, we would have had terrible results.  As difficult as it was, ending it was the proper and right thing to do.

Kelly and I have found ourselves in other situations, big or small where we need to end stuff.  When it is the second reason, that it just has to, is never easy but it is necessarily.  Too many times though I've seen bright and intelligent people make the decision to either not end 'it' or ignore 'it' only to have 'it' turn into 'that' thing in their life that seems to takeover and cause damage in so many other areas.  

I could go on but I won't, at least much more.  

Again, I say resolutions don't really work, they are a waste of time.  I don't think they are the problem.  I believe that the problem isn't that we fail in starting new stuff as much as it is that we fail in ending the things that need ending.  In turn, when we properly end the things we need to end, we can then start the new things that we want/need to start.  When we start doing that better, we may find more success in the new resolutions.

Cheers-

Mañana Mr. Frog, Mañana

The kids were watching (I watched too) The Prince of Egypt the other day and when the scenes with the plagues started I began to think about something I'd previously read in Exodus where Pharaoh said the most peculiar thing. 

The second of the Ten Plagues is the “Plague of the Frogs”… which sounds like a 70’s b-movie or something to me.  If you read the account in Exodus 8, you’ll see that God was serious about this smiting thing- the frogs would come from the river, they would swarm and get into everything including ovens and kneading bowls, it had to have been intense.  The noise alone would have driven me insane. 

I can imagine Pharaoh’s wife coming to him and demanding that he take care of this frog epidemic that eclipsed their once serine land.  She was not OK that her servants were so preoccupied by these slimy little amphibians and the thought of those dirty little creatures being anywhere near her food so disgusted her royal standards. 

Whether it was his wife, his own motivations, Pharaoh had to go talk to Moses and Aaron about fixing it and he did.  He asked them to “Plead with the Lord to take away the frogs from me and from my people…” Moses basically responded with “I’d be happy to, when do you want them gone?” and this is where Pharaoh said the strangest thing imaginable.   He responded with ‘Tomorrow”.  You can read it here, it’s crazy. 

I’ve read this story in Exodus a couple of times and I always pause right there and re-read Pharaoh’s response.  Really?  Tomorrow? Was he waiting to see if the French would come down and make something with the frog legs (I know, wrong era but humor me here)? Did he forget how upset his wife is?  Guess he never heard that if momma ain’t happy, no one is happy.  But seriously, did he really just say ‘tomorrow’?  Enough frogs came out of the river to cover the land and get into everything!  This guy goes to the two people he knows that can change the situation quickly, begging them to talk to God about it and when they give him the option of when does he want the whole thing fixed and he puts it off another day? 

Why would Moses and Aaron need to ‘plead with the Lord’ if this was something that could be put off till mañana? 

Then I started to think about things that I ‘plead with the Lord’ on, and that too many times I’m willing to put the solution to my dilemma off for another time.  I’m so glad that God isn’t smiting things too much anymore but really, if I have something going on that has me pleading, you would think I would prioritize it when I’m pleading with the Creator of the Universe as far as when I want the situation resolved. 

I think the issue is that in the solution there is often sacrifice on our end.  It would be easy to read through Exodus and say that Pharaoh must have been an idiot, that all he had to do was let Moses an his people go.  But it isn’t that easy, by doing that Egypt would be giving up a huge labor force and if you read about ancient Egypt, they were happy to have others, like their Hebrew slaves, do the hard labor and live a life of great luxury.  There was also the whole pride thing; Pharaoh was a God King, part of a line of these great God Kings who were the most awesome people in the world ever, so he had been taught.  Now he had to basically bow to the invisible god of an outcast who was raised in Pharaoh’s house but was really a Hebrew?  I’m guessing that humility wasn’t high on the list of character traits for the Kings of the Nile and the idea that there was someone, something greater than he was just plain insulting.  

I think that so many times I’m not too different from Pharaoh in this story, when I plead with God and ask him to fix a situation.  When God responds with the ‘when’ for the fix and I realize that the fix is going to require some work on my end, some humility from me & that I’m not able to order God around like my own personal executive assistant I back off a little and am ok living with the plague of the frogs for another night or two or longer, you really get used to the noise, and the smell... 

So it comes down to this- live with the issues that plague us or roll up our sleeves and take an active role in doing what we need to and deal with it.  Sure some of it will require sacrifice on our part, it may take some really hard work, humility, patience, perseverance, grace, forgiveness, love… but it has to be better than the ongoing cycle of pleading that God fixes our situation and we just find ourselves dealing with the same thing tomorrow. 

Tricky Dick inspired me today

Image credit: Flickr commons

I found some inspiration from our former president Richard Nixon today. It wasn’t his politics, or anything related to Watergate, it is a quote of his that I believe shares his heart on what was at least partially why he entered the arena of politics- he said:

“A man who has never lost himself in a cause bigger than himself has missed one of life's mountaintop experiences. Only in losing himself does he find himself.”

Many people will only remember Nixon for Watergate which is sad because he was so much more. Did you know that while he was President, Nixon Established the EPA or that he made it a point to enforce desegregation of schools in the South? Nixon and JFK were friends, they had both been elected to Congress in 1946 and while on opposite sides of the isle they formed a close friendship that lasted at least until the 1960 election where they campaigned against one . Nixon he was a very complex, interesting guy who often broke from his group to pursue what he thought was better than partisan politics. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he is perfect, I once did a biography on Nixon for a school paper and read stories about his terrible temper. One story recounted how a young, somewhere around 6 years old, Nixon hit another kid in the head with a hatchet over a jar of tadpoles. My point is that Nixon was so much more than Watergate.

Back on point to my inspiration- What he said, the idea that maybe the goal, or at least A goal of ours should be to not just look out for ourselves but to lose ourselves in something bigger than us is fantastic. It is also very different from many of the messages that play to the “it’s all about me” that so often is found on our culture today. I would like to say that I’m really good at this, losing myself in things bigger than me but honestly I’m not, at least not like I want to. I still think about myself first in most situations, even when I should be thinking of others. I have lost myself in bigger, better things than me- Marriage and family come to mind and this is an area that I’d like to think that I excel but I know that there will always be room for improvement, anyone who says that they are the best at being a husband and or dad is either telling a bad joke, is lying or is really out of touch with reality.

So here is to Nixon and his epiphany, I’ve already been thinking about things I can do and I’m going to spend some more time thinking about ways that I can lose myself in things bigger than me. Who knows, I might get so lost that they have to send a search team for me ;)

Running and hopefully not standing still

This year I celebrate my 37th birthday.  Kelly and I have discussed that with 37 (she turns 37 today) we can't say that we're in our mid 30's anymore.  37 is clearly late 30's. Which means that 40 is going to creep up on us like tomorrow or something.  It also means that our 20's, and whatever hold over ideations of being young and invincible, if they haven't already gone, are going and will be gone as soon as we embrace reality.

For me, part of that embracing reality means a real assessment of where I am, and where I want to be with my physical health.  I think overall, I'm healthy.  I'm breathing, and have the ability to stand and get around. I’m alive and mobile which is good but I know that there are areas that need improvement.

I can push, pull, lift, throw and otherwise manipulate a multitude of objects of various weights and configurations, even exceeding my own weight in some cases.  Though, because of the leisure like life I’ve come to enjoy and be accustomed to, I’m not as strong as I once was and the manipulation of the multitude of objects seems to be more and more difficult compared to what it once was.  I used to also be able to run (or jog, though run seems the more en vogue term these days) a lot longer distances for a longer duration than I can today.  I also weigh many pounds more than I would like- the short of it is that I’m fat and not as in shape as I want to be…and it is on me to change it if I want it changed.

I have a couple choices here.  I can pretend that it is either not that bad, pretend that it will magically get fixed or some other form of make believe that in the end doesn’t help me right the situation.  I can also face the reality and decide that I’m going to do something about it…tomorrow, or some other mythical time period.  Or, I can decide right now to do something about it. 

So I did, and I continue to do something about it.  Yesterday I completed the first week of a 16 week training plan that I hope will prepare me to run in a 10k race in August of this year.  I would love to sit around, read blogs and stories of how to get ready and have that magically change me but the simple truth is, that unless I get out and actually train I’m going to go back to that pretend land that results in a very sad reality in the long run. 

So there it is, I’ve chosen today to do something.  When enough todays come and I make the right choice, I’ll run that race and not just stand still on that hot, hot day.